Recently I shared via periscope a personal experience. At first I wasn't going to make a blog post about it but then I realized that just like me, many women suffers in silence and it's time we break that cycle.
Having a miscarriage isn't something we should be ashamed about and even though we may not always know how to control the emotions we feel doesn't mean you should have to go through it alone. It's sad. It hurts and some times you won't feel better no matter how many months has passed but together we can end this cycle of shaming ourselves and silent suffering.
Wednesday, August 16th 2017
Regret. Anger. Confusion. Broken. Numb.
Those are just a few words to describe how I felt when the doctors came in and said “You had a miscarriage.”
The day I found out I was pregnant I think I was more nervous than ever because in less than a month we were getting married. I was excited after all I love kids and couldn’t wait to be a mom. Of course the timing wasn’t right but I was ready. I kept it a secret from my now husband until the day of our wedding, I wanted it to be a surprise on what was already a special day for us was now even greater. Only few of my closest friends who were also my bridesmaids knew, we were all excited and I was filled with life, literally.
I was 7 weeks pregnant when the pain and cramping started, At first they weren’t bad but then they became unbearable and I was bleeding, I knew something was wrong but I didn’t wanna panic, I put the thoughts out of my head and checked into the hospital.
After what seemed like forever in the waiting room, blood being taken and invasion of body, now I had three doctors in my room with not so good looks on their faces.
It’s was one of two things, ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage.
You ever wanted something so bad that every time you get close to it, it just disappear?
One minute you were they and the next you were gone. And, for the second time in my life, life was taken from me. It’s one of the hardest thing I ever had to process or try to process.
I feel so empty and broken, like my body hates me.
I went back to work 3 hrs after finding out about my miscarriage, It was the only way to keep myself from being completely devastated. I didn’t want anyone to know that this was happening, I didn’t want to think about it nor did I want people looking at me like I was helpless.
Two closest friends who knew about my pregnancy send me flowers and a sweet note, one of them stopped by with wine and brought dinner and we just sat and talk. I’m forever grateful to them for being there for me.
But, more than anything I felt ashamed, I couldn’t look at my husband’s face, I felt like for the second time his hopes of being a father was lost and It was my fault.
That weekend I already made a commitment to host a friend’s baby shower at our house, I felt like life was playing a sick joke on me. I couldn’t cancel the shower, so once more I put on my brave face and did my part. It was hard. I was happy for her and sad for myself. Here I was only 4 days after finding out about my miscarriage, hosting a baby shower. This was unreal.
The hardest part now is hearing about how I will make a great mom or when someone ask me when will I have kids. With each questions or compliment I felt my heart breaking even more. Hearing that someone close to me was pregnant, I would smile causally while crying on the inside. Why them and not me. I believe everything in life happens for a reason but accepting it sometimes is extremely hard.
I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to feel.
Every day seems like a haze. Just a dark cloud over my head as I force myself to smile just to let everyone know I am ok.
Life goes on. I feel like I'm at a standstill watching everyone’s life go on as I suffer in silence. I feel guilty whenever someone tells me their pregnant and I try my best to smile as they talk about their excitement. I feel guilty whenever I see a social media post about someone who just gave birth, wishing it was me instead.
I recently found out that October is Pregnancy & Infant loss awareness month.
October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant loss awareness day.
Let's talk about it.