This was one thing I wasn’t sure I wanted to share but I also want others to know they are not alone. 

I’ve always opened up about my depression especially last year when I was going through a separation. But my depression hit me harder than anything I’ve ever felt this year when I found out I was pregnant in June.

Having suffered a miscarriage in February and dealing with health concerns being pregnant again wasn’t something I thought was possible or even something I was looking forward to anytime soon.

So many thoughts flooded my mind and instead of feeling happy, I felt overwhelmed and sad.

I felt like I had to prepare myself mentally for the worst case but at the same time I felt guilty of not wanting to be pregnant and that I wasn’t happy about my pregnancy.

Everyone kept telling me how much of a blessing my pregnancy was and I honestly felt like I had no one to really talk to about the darkness I felt. Everyone was so happy, everyone except me.

At my doctors appointments I received a psychological evaluation each time because I wasn’t happy about being pregnant. Even though I knew they had my best interest I also felt like no one took the time to ask why.

As my pregnancy progress, my depression got worse and for the first time since I was 22 years old, I thought about killing myself.

On September 15th, 2019 I had a panic attack. It came out of nowhere, fear like I’ve never felt before. I felt the room closing in on me and as the darkness grew stronger I was drowning and suffocating under the weight of my emotions.

I tried every mantra I learned to overcome everything I felt but the more I tried the more it grew.

I called the suicide hotline 3 time at 1am because I needed help. I needed someone to help talk me off the ledge.  Someone to tell me it was going to be Okay. I needed someone to listen to my fears as they were pouring out of me.

Since then, I’ve been doing much better. I still have moments where my fear kicks in, especially when I have to go to the hospital. I held my breath each time until I hear his heartbeat. Even though the doctors reassure me that I'm having a great pregnancy and he’s fine in every way. I know until I see his face, hear his cries, I'm going to be fearful of the “what ifs”.

I'm currently 7 months pregnant and mentally I'm doing much better. I still have moments where I get super emotional but doing things like yoga and seeing a therapist helps.

I'm slowly allowing myself to be happy about my pregnancy. To enjoy the little moments and celebrate all the wonderful things that’s been happening so far.

To every woman out there that feels similar or likewise, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

It’s hard to not get excited and It hard to not feel fear. Especially if you’re doing it by yourself.

Don’t let anyone guilt you for how you’re feeling. Because everything you feel is valid. But most importantly don’t guilt yourself. We’re still healing after a loss. It doesn’t matter how many you’ve had or how far along you were. It still hurts. And the fear of “what if it happens again” will sometimes creep in and take over.

I’m learning everyday to breathe.

I’m learning to let myself feel and process.

Some days are great, some days I crumble.

I’m forever grateful for the love I am surrounded by. For all the people who love me and this baby even when I feel like I don’t have enough love for the both of us.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and just talk.

“But I'm only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I'm only human

And I crash and I break down...

'Cause I'm only human,” _ Christina Perri

2 Comments

  1. Pingback: Mental Health Awareness - Trudean Haye

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. So many women goes through this but not enough talk about it. I remember how lonely I felt during my pregnancy after having multiple miscarriages. To anyone reading, you are definitely not alone.

    Your blog is beautiful. Keep it up.

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