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Transition

transition - trudean haye

It’s been awhile since my last blog post. Honestly so much has happened in my life that I needed to take a break.

At the end of May I announced I was taking some time off because I felt like I was at my breaking point.

No amount of positive affirmations can prepare you to handle the emotional and mental struggles you’re going through.

Recovering from my miscarriage in August 2017 was extremely hard. I did everything possible to help make myself feel better. I felt like my surroundings was rushing me to “get over it”, and even though I surrounded myself with friends, families and buried myself into working as much as possible… I still couldn’t “feel better”

I became sleep deprived. I barely ate and my focus wasn’t there.

In October I decided to hired a personal trainer because I wanted to get in shape and focus my energy on something positive and healthy not just for my body but my mind as well.

I was on a new journey. A new path in life but I wasn’t prepared for the ups and downs or lessons this new path had to offered.

April 2018, life changed. I was confronted with new challenges. I became even more emotionally unstable and mentally I was struggling. Working non-stop was the only way I could cope. I was falling apart and I didn’t want the world to see, so I put on my brave face and pretended everything was okay. I hid behind my smile and alcohol became my therapist.

I neglected my mental and emotional health because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me or knew that I was struggling.

I was mentally and emotionally drained, living life on autopilot.

I found myself transitioning into a different phase of my life. A phase I never saw coming or planned for.

I felt broken beyond repair and just when I thought I couldn’t break anymore, I had another miscarriage in June 2018.

Rock bottom.

Distraught and despaired doesn’t even beginning to explained how I felt. Never had I felt so many emotions at once. I thought I was going to die, I felt like I was suffocating for air, I couldn’t breathe and worst of all, I felt alone.

I was in a dark place and I was there by myself.

Numb.

Since August 2017, life has been teaching me lessons I wish I didn’t have to learn. I know and believe  everything happens for a reason but, sometimes it’s extremely hard and difficult to process.

These last few months, I’ve been battling depression, emotional and mental exhaustion. Suicide was knocking at my door so many times and I am forever grateful to the person that picks up each time I called.

I am so grateful for the help I’ve received and for the love and support I am surrounded by.

I am now transitioning to a new chapter of my life and even though I’m scared…I’m trusting it.  

I’ve learned on this journey that self love is so important and that nothing in life is set in stone.

I’ve also learned so much about myself and those around me. I’ve seen how mental health issues within the black community is treated and it makes me want to raise awareness about it even more.

Depression is such a silent killer. So many people are struggling with it and it does not discriminate. Even when you’re surrounded by people, you may sometimes still feel alone. It’s not something you can easily get over  and it can be a dark and scary place.

Life doesn’t always go as planned and that’s okay. I’m learning that even though things doesn’t always worked out how I expected or planned for it to be doesn’t mean I failed or that I can’t start over.

I am ready.

A lot of people resist transition and therefore never allow themselves to enjoy who they are. Embrace the change, no matter what it is; once you do, you can learn about the new world you’re in and take advantage of it. – Nikki Giovanni

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